


We Were Not Made For Peace

by ClaireofAppalachia



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kepral's is cured, PTSD, Post-Destroy Ending, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, Shepard's recovery, Some graphic wound descriptions, Thane Lives, siha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2018-12-09 12:02:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11668734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireofAppalachia/pseuds/ClaireofAppalachia
Summary: Commander Shepard has survived the Catalyst, whether she likes it or not, and she's forced to learn how to live with the scars, both physical and mental. Thane Krios has regained his life and his Siha, but must figure out what to do without a job or a galaxy to save. Together, they recover and try to find their place in a changed world.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in an au in which Kepral's Syndrome was cured and Thane survived his fight with Kai Leng. Post-destroy ending with high military preparedness. The next chapters will be longer.

The last thing she remembers is the explosion. The searing red light that consumed her as nearly every AI died. She remembers pausing before firing the last shot. She whispers brief apologies to every member of her crew, knowing she will likely never see them again.

An apology to Garrus, for not heeding her best friend’s orders. An apology to EDI, a sacrifice she knows she must make for the greater good. An apology to Joker, for the pains EDI’s death will cause him. And to Tali… she would never get to see Tali’s new house on the home-world.  Finally, an apology for Thane. Thane, who had taken treatment just so he could remain with his son and with her. Tears blurred her vision as she stepped forward and took the final shot.

“May my aim be true-” she whispered to herself before the blinding light threw her back and it all went dark.

 

                                                            *****

 

Thane stood in the massive wreckage of what was once the Citadel. He had maneuvered his way slowly, carefully across the burning and jagged surface, solely focused on the epicenter of the Crucible.

She had to be alive. If she was not, then what was he to do? He had Kolyat, of course, but he was a young man now, and it would only be a short while before Kolyat had a family of his own to tend to. He didn’t need his father anymore.

She was his Shepard, his Siha. It was she who had brought him out of his battle sleep, who had shown him life in a way never experienced. Where Irikah had brought stability, Shepard brought freedom and adventure. He forced back his memories before they overwhelmed him. He must find her, his Siha.

He toiled in the smoking and gray structures, collapsed so profusely that one could hardly tell that this was the home of the Citadel Council, the meeting point of all galactic governments,  the jewel of the Milky Way. Soon they would rebuild, but the shock of what Commander Shepard had done still held its firm grip over the people. The Reapers were dead. The enemy that emerged with her, and ended with her. Their large frames silhouetted the horizon, silent and still at last.

He searched for what must’ve been hours. There were others combing the structure, of course, but he was alone this far ahead. Or at least he thought he was. His eye was immediately drawn towards a decrepit figure standing above a shallow ditch. His heart jumped for a moment as he made his way towards the person. It was only when he was closer that he could tell it was a human man, and his hopes sank. Only something seemed… wrong about this man.

Thane moved in, sticking to the shadows as he observed this man. He wore tattered clothing and a smile on his face, as he stretched and pulled out a pistol. From his position Thane could practically see this man’s target, but his eyes snapped to was the bent and burnt N7 helmet by his feet.

Instinct took over as Thane hurled a blast of raw biotic energy at the man, successfully knocking him back from where he knew his Siha was. Indoctrinated. The man had to be indoctrinated. The Reapers final line of defense from beyond their graves. As the man stumbled up in a daze, Thane pulled out his own gun and shot the man in the head without a second thought. The man crumbled without a noise, his soul departing from his cursed body. He ran over to the ditch and fell to his knees when he saw her. Bloodied, broken, and all but crushed, but she was breathing.

“Siha… Shepard, it’s me. It’s Thane.” He said as he lay his hand as gently as he could on her cheek. She opened her eyes slowly, as if the very movement hurt her. When she brought her eyes focus on to him, he saw tears well up them. He felt his own tears begin to fall as he looked at her, truly taking her survival in.

 

                                                            *****

 

Shepard groaned and opened her eyes, trying to place where she was. Had she finally died? Was this the afterlife? But no, it couldn’t be. She ached too much for that. She tried to turn her head, but the pain was too great and she nearly cried out. She tested out the rest of limbs, and found them all to be trapped or unresponsive. She was utterly stuck. But the Reapers should be dead. At least she hoped they were dead. And what of her friends, what of Thane? Were they alive, or had they died in the final battles?

She lay there for who knows how long, knowing that dehydration or wounds would kill her soon if nobody came along. She’d tried yelling and found that she could hardly make a sound. The thing was part of her really didn’t mind the idea of her death. All she wanted was to rest. To lay her head down and to not worry about the fate of galaxies for once. If that meant her death, than that’s how it was.

It wasn’t long before someone did come along. A man in burnt clothing staggered up to the edge of her ditch and stared down at her. She stared up at him, confused as to what he was doing. She opened her mouth willing to try to ask him for help, but before she could manage a sound, there was a gun pointed at her face. She closed her eyes, knowing that whoever he was, he was indoctrinated and out for her blood. Instead of immediately hearing the gun go off, she heard the sound of a powerful biotic blast, followed by only one gunshot. She kept her eyes closed, still not being able to process what had just happened. Then she heard him. That rough and quiet voice that had lulled to sleep on the roughest of nights.

“Siha…Shepard, it’s me. It’s Thane.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was staring at her with an expression of love, sadness, and relief. Tears slipped out of her eyes just as his own began falling. She felt his light touch on her cheek and did what she could to lean into it.

 

 

                                                                        *****

 

It took Thane only moments to send out an alert from his omni-tool. Commander Shepard was alive. In bad shape, but she was alive. He sat with her while help made its way to them.

“The Reapers are dead, Siha. An energy pulse came off of the Crucible and annihilated them. We lost no one on the crew save for EDI.” He saw Shepard squint her eyes as tears spilled over the corner. He could not tell if they were tears of relief, grief, or simply pain. How he wanted to pull her into his arms and keep her there, safe. He couldn’t stand to see the woman he loved die a broken death, not again. He prayed that he could save Shepard, as he could not save Irikah.

A medical team arrived soon enough, with a few of Shepard’s crew following immediately behind. Many members of the crew had been far away from the final fight, and some had already been trying to contact their homes. They couldn’t be blamed for that, of course. Tali was an Admiral of the Quarian Fleet now, Liara ran the biggest information hub in the galaxy, Wrex was the leader of the Krogan, and Garrus was looking more and more like a Primarch of the Turians every day. Today, however, they were doing all they could to get to Shepard. Thane’s omni-tool was buzzing constantly, but he wasn’t answering any of them. Was it selfish? Perhaps. It didn’t matter to him, he needed to put all of his attention on Shepard.

The paramedics began clearing the wreckage around her, causing her to wince and make some sort of low, guttural noise. Thane hated to hear it, knowing it meant she was in pain, that she was hurting. When they finally cleared the rubble off her, the sight of her made his heart ache. She’d been burned. Badly. Her hard-suit had been torn off at several places, and the damage was…evident. The cybernetics Cerberus had given her now shown through several patches of her skin, lighting her in an angry orange and red glow.

“Siha…” Thane said silently, as he knelt by her. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and tried to smile at him. He gave her a small smile back, resting his hand on her cheek again. “Your battle is finished, Siha. You do not need to worry about anyone else for a while. Including me.” He saw her body shift slightly, something he took for an attempt at a laugh.

He was made to stand back while the paramedics slowly removed her from the ditch, despite how much he protested. They carefully positioned her mauled body on the stretcher, already administering medicines and bandages to the more visible wounds. A breathing mask (something Thane had been all too familiar with during his treatment) was slid over her face, making her breath somewhat properly. Medical teams were stretched thin in the war’s aftermath, but it seemed a special team of professionals were present for the Commanders recovery. They worked with a focus not seen in many others in their field, and Thane just barely managed to slip into the transport before they were zooming off to an emergency facility.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard was taken off the dead frame of the Citadel and onto an Alliance Dreadnought that had been repurposed into a hospital for ranking military officials. The ship had come in with the Crucible, so it had taken only superficial damage.

The Commander’s shuttle docked and she was rushed off and into the dreadnoughts medical depths. Thane was left to follow almost helplessly behind, as quickly as he could without impeding the work of the team. He could hear Garrus call his name, but his concern and focus were on Shepard. She was being pushed further away from him, into a set of swinging doors. He was about to follow through before his path was blocked by a larger orderly.

Thane eyed the nurse keeping him from his Siha. He was larger, but it would be a small thing to take him down. He was about to make his move on the man when he felt a taloned hand on his shoulder. He turned only slightly, enough to see Garrus holding him back. The Turian looked distressed, his mandibles flaring out slightly as he spoke.

“You won’t help her by killing the staff,” Garrus said, attempting levity but his heart wasn’t in it. “C’mon, they can’t work with us hovering.” Garrus gestured to a bench in the sparse “waiting room.” Thane sat, still feeling partially numb from his discovery. Garrus sat next to him, his nervousness coming off in waves.

Garrus was so close to Shepard he may as well have been her brother. Thane had wondered if she and Garrus were in a relationship beforehand, way back on the Normandy. When he asked Shepard if that was the case, she only laughed and assured him they were most definitely not. However, the only other person to measure in equal affection for Shepard was Tali, who was only just now jogging into the station, her mask fogging slightly from labored breathing.

“Thane! Garrus! Is it true, is she alive?!” the Quarian skidded to a halt in front of them, looking around anxiously. Several pieces of medical tape were stuck over a few holes on her suit, something that could very well prove fatal for her if it wasn’t treated soon.

“Yeah, Thane’s the only one who’s seen her but… yeah, she’s alive.” Garrus ran his hand over his face, most definitely tired to the bone.

“Keelah… how bad is it, Thane?” Tali asked, fidgeting with her fingers. Thane sighed and stood up to pace.

“It is… not good. Many of her cybernetics are exposed, along with severe burns and broken bones. There was also a decent amount of blood loss.” He saw Tali mess with one of her suit’s buckles, her overall body language emitting nervous energy.

Tali didn’t have time to respond before a nurse walked out into the lobby, visibly shaking and afraid. But could she be blamed? She was stared down by three aliens, each armed to the teeth and waiting to hear about their Commander.

“I… there is a two-way mirrored window down the hallway. The Commander has been taken to the room with said window, if you’d like to see-” but Thane was already breezing past her as he sped down the corridor. Tali and Garrus were behind him, but they became forgotten once again. He stopped in front of the panel and felt his heart stop at what he saw.

Shepard… Siha. She was laying on an operating table, in grim shape. They weren’t just taking her armor off, they were _prying_ it off. And she was screaming. Arashu, she was screaming. The keening wails coming from her were screeches of death and pain, a sound he hadn’t heard in… no, not now. He steadied himself on the wall, silently praying to every one of his gods. He was vaguely aware of weeping (Tali) and cursing (Garrus).

As an assassin, he would be expected to endure graphic scenes before him, but nothing had prepared him for when it would happen to Shepard. There was so much blood and bone and muscle… the armor must have melted onto her in whatever she did on the Crucible. She was a bloody husk and he couldn’t look away from her. He had to watch, had to make sure she made it. Her eyes rolled backwards as some concoction filtered into her bloodstream, easing her pain and sending her into a deep sleep.

_He looks at her as Garrus slings his arm across his shoulder. The pain in his leg is great but he can’t leave her, can’t leave her to face the Reapers alone. He reaches out his other arm to touch her face. “I love you, Siha. Do not cross the sea without me.” She presses her lips to his, too quick, too little. Ash and dust and blood and she’s gone. “I love you too, Thane.” Quick words to Garrus, a promise of a bar. She takes off to the relay and then the door of the shuttle closes. Gone._

He’s shaken from his memory by more voices behind him. More members of her crew, the loudest being the old Krogan, Wrex. He tries to pay them no mind, he must remain focused on Shepard. She’s asleep now, a medically induced coma if his guess is correct. It worries him. If something were to happen to her, what would he do? He remembers her words to him that one night in cabin before the final assault.

_“Thane,” she rolls over and takes his hand. “If…If I don’t make it in this, promise me you won’t let them rebuild me again? If they find me and I’m dead, please let me stay that way. Promise?”_

He’d promised. No matter how much the thought of losing her hurt him, he’d promised that he wouldn’t let anyone revive her like Cerberus had done. He’d keep that promise if she fell into a vegetative state. He’d told her he didn’t want to end his life hooked up to machines, and he wouldn’t let her suffer that fate.

He was once again pulled from his dark thoughts by the crew. Only this time a hand was on his shoulder, trying to get his attention.

“What?!” he snapped, turning on his would be comforter with a cruel look. It was Liara who’d touched him, shock evident on her face. The Asari staggered back, clearly surprised by his usually calm demeanor being turned into something so irate.

“I didn’t mean to startle you, I just wished to ask if you knew anything more about her condition…” She looked at him head on, trying to remain composed despite the anxiety bubbling up from her.

“No.” He turned back to the window, following the surgeons’ hands as they pulled and set her body, trying not to think about how much blood was covering the medical gloves. He heard Tali whispering to her, every other sentence being followed by Liara’s concerned whispers of “Oh, goddess…”

Hours passed and her condition barely seemed to change. It would take time to make the skin grafts needed to repair her body. When it was discovered that Shepard’s friend James Vega (the one who called her “Lola” and prickled his skin) had O negative blood, he willingly volunteered to act as a donor for a transfusion. The doctors brought him back, taking what they could without killing him.

She was being kept in a limbo-like state, barely breathing through everything they did to her. The spidery cybernetics were being reworked across muscles and bones were being reset where they could. He held his breath and felt bile rise in his throat when they began to remove her right arm.

“Too damaged,” a doctor had told them (they had to work in shifts, each informing the gathered crew of damages and procedures that were being worked with). “The reinforced bone is totally shattered and most of the cybernetics are dead in that arm. There isn’t much there for us to work with. Even if we had the resources to reconstruct the arm, it wouldn’t function properly.”

Her right arm was her dominant arm. If she lived, she would be angry, distraught. She’d probably complain about not being able to fire her heavy pistol. A prosthetic could be acquired in time, but resources were too thin now. Every person who wasn’t dead or dying was sent to work in the aftermath, prosthetic limbs weren’t a huge concern.

Several more hours passed before he noticed a hulking figure approach and stand beside him.

“Damn tough woman. Might as well name her an honorary Krogan for this.” Wrex. The old man crossed his arms and looked at her. “Don’t worry, Drell, she’ll pull through. She is Commander Shepard after all.” He narrowed his eyes at the bloody stump at her right shoulder and sighed. “Too bad about her arm. But she’s going to have her weight in scars. You’ll have to beat our young back with sticks.” He gave a dry chuckle and nudged Thane. Ah, yes, the Krogan found scars attractive. And she’d already received a breeding request on Tuchanka the last time she was there.

 Something about the Clan Leader’s words were reassuring. Even when she’d shown up on his compound after being presumed dead for years, he’d only welcomed her like the old friend she was. He had the utmost faith in her, especially when it came to her assisting in the curing of the Genophage. How many Krogan young were named after her by now?

Night time fell at some point, some of the crew opting to recline against the wall and floor. Thane had resigned himself to pacing in front of the window, looking in to watch the doctor’s work on his Siha. It must have been in early hours of the morning when they finally stopped. A doctor walked out, running her scrubbed hands through her now let-down hair. Dark circles encompassed most of her eyes. The crew stirred at her arrival

“We’ve done what we can for tonight. Her brain is relatively undamaged, as it seems the Commander subconsciously boosted her biotic shield right before…whatever happened. Her left eye is almost entirely blind. It might be something to be healed in time, but there’s nothing we can do here. She’ll need extensive therapy if she wants to walk again. The skin grafts will take time to take to her, and she’s lost a lot of blood. We don’t have a clear estimate on when we’ll be comfortable enough to bring her out of sleep, but she’s crossed the critical line into the urgent care section. We think she’ll live.”

An enormous sigh of relief came from the crew. Someone was crying, most likely Tali. Wrex only snickered again, muttering something about “a Krogan in a human body.” Thane felt like crying from the relief. He looked in through the window as she lay asleep, her bandaged chest rising with only the slightest movements. She would live. He thanked every deity in his pantheon as he set his hand against the window, ever watchful.


	3. Chapter 3

A week after she’d been brought into that hospital ship, Shepard began to stir.

While most of her crew had gone off to mind their own species and requirements, Thane had remained in the facility. He’d been allowed into Shepard’s room, once it was clear that he was her medical proxy (and even more than that). A small chair was set up next to her bed, where he spent most of his time. He barely ate, as the dreadnought was in no way equipped to deal with Drell dietary requirements. A small shower in the room and Alliance sweats were the only other accommodations the ship could offer. The irony of an “alien” in Alliance gear was not lost on him, but they were clean.

 He was almost constantly in contact with either Garrus or Tali, both of them checking on Shepard in any moment of their respites from their individual duties. Garrus was close to becoming one of the few remaining Turian Primarchs and Tali was more than busying maintaining connections with the Quarian Flotilla and Admiralty. It was beyond him how they still worked in time to message him excessively regarding Shepard.

He understood their concern, of course. They were like her siblings, and they loved her dearly. But by Kalahira’s depths he was tired of it. He wanted quiet. He wanted Shepard to himself, despite how selfish that was. So when he noticed a small groan and the fluttering of her eyes, he practically jumped to her.

“Siha,” he murmured, laying his hand on top of hers. She groaned once more and opened her right eye, the left still swollen shut. He gave a small smile as he looked at her, resilient as always.

“Thane…” she creaked out, her voice sounding like she was speaking through gravel. “You’re okay.”

“Yes, as are you, it would seem.” Her eye searched him and then the room, seemingly confused at her surroundings.

“Wherem’ I?” she slurred, trying to sit up only to have Thane gently push her back down again. She frowned at him, her system still heavy with painkillers.

“You’re in an Alliance dreadnought, the Dover. It’s been made into a medical station.”

“Why can’ I move? Where’s-” She froze as she looked at the spot where her right arm should be. Thane braced himself for what was sure to be a storm of emotion. Instead she only looked back up at him, face expressionless. “I’m unarmed.”

He stared at her. Of all the things he had expected to come out of her mouth, that was not one of them. “Siha, your arm was too damaged to be properly repaired and…” He found himself at a loss, almost amused at her ability to joke about the loss of her limb. Unless it was only a side effect of the painkillers. Of course. There would be hell to pay when she was fully aware of herself.

Although he was sore to lose the few minutes they had alone, he called for the doctors to assess her condition. While they worked (and made him wait outside again) he sent a message to both Tali and Garrus, telling the both of them that Commander Morrigan Shepard was finally awake, though slightly delirious. He thought of the joke again. Wrex would love it.

 

                                                            *****

_Pain_. Cool sensation of morphine release. The dreams again. The shadowy forest and the disembodied voices and the child that had its shape changed into something so unnerving on the Crucible. That was reality for an unknown amount of time. When she finally awoke the world was fuzzy.

There was a vague green shape by her bedside. Thane. She couldn’t seem to fully hold herself to this state, whatever drugs that had her on where doing their job. She drifted back out of consciousness as nurses and doctors began examining her again. She just felt so sleepy. She’d earned a good rest after-all. It took too much to think about what happened, so she didn’t. She let sleep claim her for the time being.

The reprieve didn’t last long.

The next time she regained consciousness she was greeted by a wave of pain. She felt as if her whole body was burning. There were dull aches and sharp stings of cuts. She was crying, she had to be. Her mind was clear and she was being torn apart.

_He promised he wouldn’t let them rebuild me. He promised. Why does it hurt so much why does it hurt-_

“Siha! Look at me, focus on me.” Thane’s voice pulled her forward, despite the spidery pain in her eyes. She forced herself to look into his worried eyes. His cool hands rested on the sides of her face. It was all she could do to whimper out an acknowledgement.

“She’s awake, why is she awake?!” Thane again. Angry. He didn’t yell often, only when he was beyond his ability to control his calm demeanor. His statement made sense though, the pain she was feeling was too great to be awake for. But she had trouble forming even those few thoughts. Her mind went blank in the waves of pain. Slowly but surely, something bled into her, making her pain ease and her mind dull. Thane was saying something to her, but it was pointless to try and make it out, so she let sleep win again.

When she finally woke up without striking pain and a mind not clouded by medicine, it took everything in her to not just break down. She couldn’t get the Crucible AI out of her head, the options it gave her and what she could’ve been. It was just too big, it was too much. She must’ve shed some tears because she saw Thane move into her line of vision.

“Siha, how are you feeling?” His rough hand rested on top of hers, rubbing tiny circles around her thumb.

How was she supposed to answer that? That she was shaken to the core by what the Catalyst had told her? That she felt like she shouldn’t have lived again? But he was staring at her with such concern, his large eyes conveying sadness and relief. She opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was a strangled sob.

She couldn’t help it. The weight of the Reapers was gone, but the memories wouldn’t leave her. She felt raw, emotionally and physically. And her damn arm was gone. She must’ve looked like some sort of wailing banshee, her throat felt like it was tearing from the effort. Thane was holding her, rocking her in his arms. He was “shhh-ing” her and whispering vague comforts, but she hardly noticed.

“I….I coud’ve… I could’ve been one.” She cried into his shoulder, the enormity of what that could mean drowning her.

“Could’ve been what, Siha?” He rubbed her sore back, letting her lean completely into him.

“A R-reaper..” His ministrations stopped immediately as he sat her back to look at her, his face unreadable.

“What do you mean, how could you be a Reaper?” She started for a moment before answering, afraid that he was judging her someway.

“Well… I had th-three choices on the Crucible,” she began to hiccup from the crying and Thane helped her drink from a cup by her bed (she couldn’t even drink on her own, great). “Destroy the Reapers,” Breathe, Morrigan. “Merge synthetics and organics, or give my conscious to become their new hive-mind leader thing. I choose to destroy them, that’s why the Geth and EDI-” EDI. A new wave of tears and grief hit her while Thane took in what she had said, shock painted across his face.

“How?”

“I don’t know how to-” she was interrupted from her attempt at an explanation by her two best friends barging into her room.

She could’ve wept (again) when she saw them. At least they had survived relatively unscathed. Tali jogged over to her, throwing her arms around what she could get to. Thane moved away to allow her room, Tali fully encompassing Shepard now. She leaned into Tali’s grip, unable to lift her remaining arm.

“Oh Shepard I was so worried about you! The doctors wouldn’t tell us anything and Thane would hardly tell us anything over messages!” Her tone was accusatory as she lifted her head to look at him, getting no direct response in return.

“What Tali means is ‘we’ were so worried about you.” Garrus said, resting his hand on Shepard’s stubbed shoulder. He was quiet for a moment before gently asking her if it hurt.

“I hurt everywhere Garrus, my shoulder isn’t any different… But on the bright-side I’ll bet I’m as ugly as you now.” She gave him a small smile, despite the still dripping tears and sniffling. She was recounting their old joke from when he’d first got hit with that missile in the face.

“Oh no, I’d say you’re much uglier than me now. If you were popular on Tuchanka before, you’re going to be a supermodel when you go again.” He clicked his mandibles lightly, his tone giving away his humor. She laughed despite herself, sitting back into her bed once Tali released her.

“They were among the first to arrive when you were brought here. And they have given me no quiet in the time sense.” Thane gave them both a smirk as he took hold of Shepard’s hand again.

The rest of the day was filled with various visitors from her crew. Vega was among the first, grinning and joking how of course his blood donations had helped her. She smiled brightly at hearing his nickname for her. She didn’t miss Thane’s narrowed eyes when he clapped her on her “good” shoulder.

“Damn Lola, you’re looking…”

“Be careful how you finish that sentence, Vega.” She laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You’re looking like Miss Universe, Ma’am.” He gave her a mock bow, and continued to shoot the breeze with her until several more of the crew showed up. It was hard to miss how Thane was irritated with James, but she almost like the competition. Hell, she could use something to boost her mood.

Wrex and Grunt entered in an uproar, the two large Krogan barely fitting through the door. Shepard braced herself as Grunt practically charged her bed, almost knocking into her.

“Battlemaster! I knew the Reapers would not defeat you!” There was a fierce joy in his gaze and Shepard smiled fondly at him.

“What kind of Battlemaster would I be if I died on you?” She considered Grunt something akin to an adopted son, and Grunt just as well considered her a mother-figure.

They both complimented her on her new scars in true Krogan style. Soon enough her room was filled to the bursting point. Liara had scrounged up a bouquet of flowers for her, Ashley brought her a book of poetry, and even Jack had shown up, bringing a hidden flask in for Shepard. Samara was there, watching over them all with her motherly gaze, stating that it was a pleasant surprise to receive the information of Shepard’s survival. Jacob spoke to her through a monitor, gladly showing them all the latest ultrasound of his and Brynn’s baby girl.

Even through the embrace of her crew family, she couldn’t get the haunting thoughts of the Catalyst out of her head.

 

                                                                        *****

Thane sat back patiently as the crew took their turns gently (or as gently as they could) embracing the Commander. They all spoke to him at some point, checking in on how he was holding up. He reassured them he was fine and coping, focusing most of his energy on keeping an eye on Shepard.

Samara gave him a knowing look when he almost moved to deter Grunt from head-butting Shepard. Wrex pulled the young Krogan back instead, scolding him on his recklessness. Thane sat back in his chair, his body still tense. Shepard only laughed before wincing at a pain in her middle.

The Justicar had always had pleasant discussions with Thane, bordering on near romantic tension. She always distanced herself from any ideas of intimacy, especially when Thane became involved with Shepard. But she understood him nonetheless. Perhaps it came with being a near thousand year old Asari Matriarch.

Eventually the crew filtered out, all with steady promises to keep in touch with her and visit when they could. Garrus and Tali were the last to leave, reluctance in their every step.

“Now remember, you promised to visit when I get my house built, okay? And we’re going to get drunk and watch ‘Fleet and Flotilla’ all night.” Tali’s voice was borderline teary as she gently hugged Shepard, who groaned dramatically.

“I don’t recall ‘Fleet and Flotilla’ being a part of the deal.”

“She’s already made me watch it, and if I have to suffer so do you.” Garrus chuckled as he placed his large hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “Take care for me, alright? And Thane, make sure she does what she’s supposed too.”

“Of course, Garrus.” He shook his friends’ hands and bowed to them as they made their way out of the room.

“I’m not a child, Thane.” Shepard said when her friends had left.

“I know, Siha, but you are all but incapable of caring for yourself right now.” He sat down next to her again, his large black eyes studying her. She huffed and tried to shift on the bed, wincing as she did so.

“I don’t like being taken care of. I just want to be out of here.” She was going to continue as the door to her room swept open and another old face walked primly in.

“Well unfortunately, Commander, that isn’t going to happen just yet.”

“Dr. Chakwas, it’s good to see you!” Shepard smiled at the Normandy’s top doctor, who smiled back at her and Thane.

“It’s good to see you as well, Commander. As of right this minute, I am your main care physician. I will be overseeing your ongoing treatments and therapies here as well as at a recovery facility. Nothing gets to you without going through me first.” She was already checking monitors, buzzing around and making notes.

“There’s no one I would rather have with me, Doctor.” And it was true. Dr. Chakwas was a skilled physician, one even Thane would trust near completely.

“I’m glad to hear it. And you, Thane. When I’m satisfied with her care I want to do a checkup on you. See how the cure’s holding up and whatnot.” She barely looked up at him from one of the stations, typing something in.

“Of course, Doctor.” He bowed his head towards her, a gesture of his respect. He admired her dedication to the Alliance and its soldiers. The galaxy could benefit from more like her.

She checked Shepard’s vitals and bandages, examining the skin grafts and burns. Doctor Chakwas also gave him explicit care instructions should something happen, causing Shepard to roll her eyes.

“I saw that, Commander. You need to take your healing process into consideration, as you are in a particularly vulnerable state right now. The skin grafts need to be cared for and allowed to set.”

“I will do what I can to assist you and her, Doctor.” Thane said, holding Shepard’s hand gently.

“I know you will, Thane. It’s reassuring to know that I will never have to repeat directions to you.” She gave him a small smile before tilting Shepard’s head to examine the left side of her scalp. “I managed to gain a transfer from the Normandy to the Dover when I showed them my past records of treating you during all of your service terms on Normandy.” She set Shepard’s head down before stepping back. “I must be off now, but I’ll be on call should either of you need me.”

She left a few notes on the monitors before leaving them alone again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm super sorry that is so late! I've started my junior year in college, so I've been more than busy lol. I will try to update more frequently, but just try to bare with me until my breaks! Thanks for understanding!~ <3

The days ticked by slowly with Shepard fading in and out of consciousness. Thane took basic care of her when she was hungry or thirsty, but he couldn’t help but notice a dramatic shift in her personality and mannerisms. She jumped at sudden sounds and her hands began to shake frequently. It worried him a great deal, especially when she began attempting to exit her bed.

“Thane, I’m fine, really.” She sat up only for Thane to push her gently onto the mattress, again.

“Siha, you are in no condition to leave yet. I know you wish to help the relief efforts but you are not well enough.” He looked at her with concern, folding his hands under his chin as he leaned against her bedside.

“I can’t stay here any longer. I’m going to go stir-crazy.” Her hand fidgeted with her sheet, the bandaged fingers failing to gain any real purchase on the fabric. “I’m not doing any good lying in bed. I need to make sure they’re all dead.” Thane sighed and took hold of her hand.

“They are dead. I saw them die, Siha. You need rest, please.”

She looked at him with her good eye. She appeared skeptical but settled down on the bed right as a young Alliance ensign knocked twice and invited himself in.

Thane stood up, unconsciously preparing himself for a confrontation with the young man. The man didn’t appear to recognize the threat, as he looked squarely _above_ the Commander, offering a brief salute.

“Commander Shepard, I’ve been ordered to inform you that Admiral Hackett is inbound and will be arriving in approximately 1 hour, ma’am.” He stood at attention, looking at the headboard of her bed.

“Thank you, Private. Dismissed.” The man turned on his heel and left, pausing and turning back.

“Commander… I just… Well I wanted to say… Thank you, ma’am.” She let out a small huff of laughter at that.

“You’re welcome. Now go on.” She made a waving motion with her hand and the Private scooted out of the door, hurrying down the hallway. When he was gone she sighed and looked at the ceiling. “I knew it was only a matter of time before he came here.”

“I assume he will want your report of what happened.” Thane said, watching her carefully. Her face twitched and she rolled her head away from him.

“Yeah… guess so.” They hadn’t spoken of the Catalyst since she first awoke. She hadn’t mentioned it and Thane was hesitant to bring her into unnecessary pain while she was recovering. But even he knew that her report would be invaluable to the Alliance. Other militaries would be scrambling for answers, but Shepard was still Alliance. They got her first, and somehow the thought made his stomach turn.

He didn’t trust the Alliance. They’d kept him from her for all those months, leaving her to wonder if he even still lived. Those months were… unpleasant for him. He would not leave her again, no matter what the Alliance did.

“Hey, are you okay?” Shepard. He turned and looked at her, her dark eye studying him. “You’ve got that ‘solipsism’ look going on.”

“I am well, merely concerned for you.”

“You’re not telling me everything, Thane. Talk to me.” She shifted closer to him, wincing a bit.

“I just… I am unsure of the Alliance’s intentions with you. I do not wish for us to be separated again, Siha.” He looked at her as she contemplated what he said. She grunted as she hefted herself into a sitting position and raised her bed’s upper end.

“Thane, I could probably ask for the world on a platter and they’d have to give it to me. I’m not excited to talk to them, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting them separate us again. I don’t care if you’re just an ‘alien’ to them, we’re going to stay together. Promise.” She gave him a weak smile and he returned it.

“Alright, I will take your word for it.” He leaned in closer to her, brushing his lips against the tender skin of her cheek and she shivered.

“I’ve… missed you, you know.” She turned into him more, kissing him on the frills of his cheeks, and he let a sub-vocal rumble pass.

“I have missed you as well. But I do not think Admiral Hackett will appreciate you being intoxicated during the interview.” She sighed.

“And they win again. But just wait till I finally get you alone, Krios.” He chuckled and sat back.

“I await the day eagerly.”

The mood was quickly killed by the arrival of Admiral Hackett and the verifiable posse of Alliance officials on his heels. Thane and Shepard both braced for impact when he walked into her room.

 

                                                                        *****

 

The room fell into an uproar of congratulations and a variety of bows and salutes. She smiled and accepted their applauses graciously, but her left hand still held lightly onto Thane’s. She did notice a few glances thrown his way, but no outright comments were made. That is, until they began to prepare for her report.

“Seeing as how this is strictly an Alliance report, we have to ask that your companion leave the room.” Shepard looked between Hackett and Thane, not failing to miss the subtle tensing of Thane’s jaw and the way he sized Hackett up like a target.

“It’s okay, Thane. Really.” She gave him a slight nod and he moved back.

“I will be right down the hall, Siha.” Several of the Alliance officials raised their brows at the name, but refrained once again from saying anything. Thane left the room slowly, his entire aura being one of subtle warning. The officials parted in front of him as he reluctantly left the room.

“Now, Commander, if you could just start with what happened immediately after you went up in the beam.” She sighed and started the story.

She told them every gruesome detail, doing her best to keep herself together. She would _not_ start crying in front of them. It didn’t help that her heart monitor began beeping rapidly as she began to describe the Catalyst.

“Try to take deep breaths, Shepard.” Hackett said, watching the rapid pulsations on the screen. She _was_ taking deep breaths, or she was trying too. She felt like she had a bird in her chest, the little flutterings making it hard to take air in consistently. Her eye searched the room rapidly. Something didn’t feel right. Hackett was trying to say something to her but she couldn’t understand him.

Dr. Chakwas appeared by side in a matter of seconds. She was hyperventilating, but she couldn’t stop it.

_Too much, too big. I could’ve been one. Could’ve made everyone one. It’s too much that’s not possible it can’t be possible._

“Commander! Look at me!” Dr. Chakwas was only inches away from her, sliding some sort of mask over her face. “Let Thane in, she needs to see him.” Thane was there in seconds, one hand resting on her shoulder and the other on the side of her head. His expression was pained as he spoke to her, his words fading in and out of a blur.

Slowly, she felt her breathing ease and regulate itself. She was drained and dizzy, and her body felt too heavy to lift. Screw the Admirals, they could wait while she tried to figure out what the hell just happened to her.

“A panic attack, most likely triggered by your discussion.” Dr. Chakwas said to the officials, all of them nodding solemnly. “Heart palpitations, hyperventilation, and exhaustion. All common symptoms, and nothing excessively serious. I would recommend that she’s given adequate recuperation time before you speak to her again.”

“Well that’s all well and good, Doctor, but we need this information as soon as Commander Shepard can give it. We’ve got the entire Terminus System breathing down our necks about what happened in order to kill the Reapers.”  

She saw Thane stand up in the corner of her eye. Oh no.

“If you continue to pressure her, she will only get worse. Dr. Chakwas has already informed you that she should be left to rest.” Admiral Hackett stood to match Thane.

“Listen, son, I don’t expect you to like me, but I do expect you to understand just how crucial this information is. We need to get it from her as soon as possible.” Shepard watched the two men stare each other down while the other Admirals and officials remained in place, unsure of what to do to.

“That is enough, both of you! I will not have you tearing into each other in front of the Commander!” Dr. Chakwas stepped between the two of them, a stern look of maternal reproach on her face. “Now then, I’ve given my recommendations that she be given time to collect herself before continuing her report. Admiral Hackett, there are other officials on-board who I’m sure would love to have a visit from you. Boost morale and all that.”

Hackett stepped back, sighing wearily. “Very well, Doctor. Commander, I’ll be back in two hours or so. But… try to feel better.” He nodded to her and left the room, his posse following.

Shepard sighed and tried to reach up for the mask on her face, only to find herself still too weak to move. Dr. Chakwas removed it instead, scolding Thane as she did so.

“Thane I understand your need to be protective of her, but you have to give Admiral Hackett his due. And you have to trust me as well. I will see to it that she’s not put through anything she doesn’t have to be.”

“Thanks.” Shepard said, albeit weakly. She gave a small cough that was more a huff of air than anything.

“Siha, how do you feel?” He took hold of her hand lightly, worried eyes checking her over.

“Like I just got hit by a train. I haven’t had one of those in… in a while.” She closed her eye, feeling like a wreck. Not to mention embarrassed for having an attack like that in front of the Admiralty.

“No, you haven’t, which is amazing on its own knowing you. But it’s quite an understandable reaction to what you’ve undergone. I wouldn’t worry about the Admirals, Commander, but you did give Thane quite a scare.” The Doctor looked at him with a sympathetic smile, as she walked to the door.

“Yes, seeing you like that… I would do everything in my power to prevent that from happening again.”

“I know, Thane. I know.” She let herself sink into the bed, her heart rate finally evening out.

“I’ll leave you two to it then.” Dr. Chakwas left the room, closing the door silently behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm sorry for the long delay, but hey college is college lol. But! Summer has started, so hopefully I'll more time to work on more chapters! Thank you all for the kudos and understanding, I really appreciate it!!

Thane once again left the recovery room when Admiral Hackett returned. He hadn’t wanted to, but Shepard’s subtle insistence that she would be fine eventually persuaded him. He didn’t know if he completely believed her, of course, but he feared any further confrontation between him and the Admiral would reflect poorly on her. And so he spent the next hour and a half pacing around in the hallway, feeling something akin to a trapped animal.

When he saw Hackett depart, he reentered Shepard’s room. She sat up in bed still, but her face had an ashen look to it and she appeared to be shaking.

“Siha…?” he moved over to her side, resting his hand next to hers. She jumped slightly at the sudden contact, but corrected herself almost immediately.

“Thane, you startled me…” she sighed and looked at him, a sad smile on her face. “I’m okay, just a little tired.”

“For all your charms and strengths, Siha, you are an awful liar.” He moved just a tad closer, fully laying his hands over hers. “Please, will you be honest with me?” She gave a dry huff of a laugh, wincing at the pain.

“You know I can’t lie to those puppy-dog eyes.” She leaned in closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “It’s just… I don’t know if I can deal with the scope of the Catalyst. I know the Reapers are dead and gone, and I don’t question that I did the right thing but… those other options I had are haunting me. Probably will for the rest of my life.” She buried her face in his neck and took a deep, shaking breath.

Thane felt himself breathe along with her and he raised his hand to stroke the soft buzzed hair of her head. His heart hurt for her; this wasn’t something he could fix with comforting words or his so called “sage advice.” It would take time, and people who were trained to help the human psyche.

“Siha, if it were in my power I would take this all from you. But since I cannot, I will do all I can to ease your pains, if you’ll allow me.”

“Of course, Thane.” she murmured against his neck, hot breath tickling the frills there.

“I’m serious, you know. I don’t want you to think this is something you must do alone.” At that, she gave another small laugh.

“I don’t know… Don’t know if I can stop being ‘Commander Shepard’ and just be ‘Shepard.’” She pulled away from him and lay back on her bed. “I do know that if I’m stuck in here another minute I may actually go crazy.”

He gave her a solemn look. She was changing the subject, but he was unwilling to push her, not wanting to upset her.

“I’m afraid I have no control over that, and besides, where would you go?” He didn’t mean for the question to sound so depressive, but it was the truth. There didn’t seem to be any place of reasonable habitation standards that one could heal in.

“I’d go anywhere that wasn’t a tight little room in the bowels of a war ship.”

*****

The night shift came and the lights of her room dimmed to a dull yellow. The sounds of the ship were comforting at least. Creaks and mechanical sounds accompanied her medical equipment, the beeps of monitors echoing her own heartbeat. The slow sound of Thane’s breathing, a blessed sound for her now, was soft and even as he slept. All of that and she should be lulled into sleep by now. But she wasn’t. Her mind buzzed just the same as the equipment.

She stared up at the ceiling, occasionally looking out her room’s window into the hallway at doctors and nurses passing. She looked at Thane, watched his chest rise and fall, thankful for every breath he took without pain.

There was a clock on the wall, ticking back the minutes. She looked at it every so often, dismayed to find how little time had passed. 03:10 AM. The bold red letters taunted her. She thought she had looked at it at least an hour ago, but no. The last time she’d glanced at it had been 02:55 AM. She sighed in dismay before glancing out her window. And her heart stopped.

Standing outside the window, hulking like a ghoul, was a Husk. It was clawing at the windows, its dead fingers scraping along the glass and its lifeless tongue lulled out of its gaping mouth. She had no gun, Thane didn’t have a gun. There was screaming. At first she thought it was the Husk, but no, it was her.

She saw Thane shoot up like a bullet, his body moving into a defensive position as he scanned the room. But he wasn’t seeing it!

“Siha, what is it, what’s wrong, are you in pain?!” He moved to her bedside the concern evident in his face as he searched her over.

“Husk! W-window!” She tried to pull forth her biotics, to fire a warp or even stasis, but there were only the faintest signs of life from them.

Thane turned and looked at the window before resting against the side of the bed, almost relieved.

“Siha, there’s nothing there.” She stared at him. How did he miss it, he was the best assassin in the galaxy!

“No, Thane, no. I saw it, it was there and scraping the window it was trying to get in and…” She was cut off by Thane placing his hands on her hand and head. He leaned into her a bit, close enough to make her look at him, and to block the window.

“There is no Husk here. It was a hallucination, I promise. Do you trust me?” His thumb stroked across her temple and forehead, the calming motion relaxing her a little.

“Of course I do, but I… I _saw_ it there.” She felt her composition weaken. This was ridiculous. Commander Shepard didn’t cry over a damn Husk. Husks were the easiest things to take down, once you forgot that they were once humans. But it had seemed so real and so… threatening.

“Please, Siha, try to sleep. I promise there is nothing in here but you and me. I’m here, nothing will get to you. On that, I pledge my word.” He smiled at her, letting his thumb drift closer to her eyes. She inhaled deeply before relaxing back into the bed.

“What did I do to deserve you?” She asked, already half asleep, his thumbs’ ministrations relaxing her almost completely.

“And I, you, Siha.” She was almost certain of a small kiss on her temple, but sleep claimed her quickly.

*****

Once he was sure she was sleeping soundly, he allowed himself to relax a little more completely. He scanned the room quickly, as was habit for him by now. He looked out the window and wished it had a curtain to obscure them. Not just because of his Siha’s hallucinations, but because he wanted privacy. There was absolutely none on this ship. Doctors coming and going. More than once he’d caught doctors and nurses that weren’t even working with Shepard peaking in to see her. Dr. Chakwas had been a blessing, shooing them away. And at least she had the courtesy to knock.

He hadn’t slept the rest of the night. He relied on meditating to relax himself until early morning, when Dr. Chakwas came in. Her eyes were tired and her usually trim hair was pulled away from her face in a loose bun.

“Good morning, Thane. Did something happen during the night?” Right to the point, as she always was.

“She had a hallucination. A Husk, outside the window.” The doctor sighed, glancing out the window herself.

“I worried as much. The monitors went off around 3AM, but no alert went through to me. Tell me, what did you do?”

“ _I wake up to screaming. She’s screaming. I look around for signs of an assailant, but the room is empty. ‘Siha, what is it, what’s wrong, are you in pain?!’ I ask her. ‘Husk! Window!’ She can barely get the words out and she’s shaking. There’s nothing at the window. I tell her so but she remains insistent. I block her view. ‘Do you trust me?’ I ask. She does, but still, I can see her…fear. I stroke her temple until she sleeps._ ” He blinked several times and looked back up at Dr. Chakwas, silent now after reliving the memory. It wouldn’t be one of his favorites to revisit.

“It always amazes me when you do that, you know.” She glanced over at Shepard, still asleep despite the talking around her. “She’s exhausted. I can’t imagine what she’s been through.”

“She wants to get off the ship.” Thane stood up and moved to the window, searching for threats. It wasn’t a conscious move, but one that was ingrained in him. “While I am no professional, I do believe that remaining here will affect her in a negative manner.” He heard a tired laugh come from the Doctor.

“Oh, Thane, you are formal to a fault. I agree that she should be recovering in a more… open place, but we haven’t determined if she’s stable enough to move yet.”

“I’ll be still as the dead if I can leave here.” Thane and Chakwas both turned to look at Shepard, now looking over at them with her good eye.

“Wording, please, Siha.” She just rolled her eye at him and gave as loud a sigh as she could, only to cough a little.

“Really, Commander, phrasing.” She watched as Thane moved closer to Shepard when she began coughing, only for her to wave him away.

“You’re both hovering over me like hens. I feel better now, good as new.” She smiled at both of them, the scars on her face shifting just a bit.

“With all due respect, Commander, you have just survived something that should not have been survivable. In fact, you came very close to not surviving it.” Her somber words sunk in as Shepard’s face hardened.

“Well I did, for better or worse, and now I’d like to get on with my life.”

“And what, exactly, do you plan to do? Commander, you’re firmly on bed rest and out-of-action until myself and another team of doctors give you the go ahead.” Chakwas crossed her arms and stared down her commanding officer.

“Thane, can’t you say something?” Shepard asked, looking at him as he watched out the window.

“I’m sorry, Siha, but I must agree with Dr. Chakwas on this. Your health and well-being comes first now.” He crossed over to her bedside, looking down at her defiant face.

“Listen, Commander. There may be something we can work out, about your recovery situation. Just… give me time.” She turned and walked to the door. “Page me if you feel any greater pain or discomfort, I’ll be around.” With that, she closed the door behind her.

Shepard eyed the small paging remote by her bedside. She made a grab for it, only to have Thane snatch it away quicker than she thought possible.

“C’mon, give it! I’m uncomfortable!” She tried to reach it, ignoring the pain moving like that brought. He held it away from her, trying to keep her from further straining herself at the same time.

“Siha this is ridiculous, you’re not a child!”

“Well you’re all treating me like one!”

“Morrigan you almost died!”

“Yes, _almost_!” He watched as she dropped down back into her bed, glaring at him.

Sighing, he set the remote on the table again. “Listen, Siha. I dislike the current situation as much as you do, but you need professional care. You’re not invincible.” He said the last words softly, taking her hand. “The days until I found you were among the most miserable of my life. Please understand that I want you to be well again, because I don’t think I could taking seeing you lost.”

Her face had softened as he spoke, finally turning to an expression of understanding and even sadness. “Oh, Thane, I… I didn’t want that to happen to you. I’m sorry.” She leaned her forehead up to his, gently touching them. “It’s just that I feel trapped and useless. I’m not used to being useless.” He lightly took her face in his hands.

“Siha, my Siha. You are not useless, you are recovering from an experience of astronomical proportions. Please, be easy with yourself.”  


End file.
